Boys and Guns: Crossing the Line

boys and guns


I was finishing up some work on my computer one day last week, knowing that it would be soon time to pick up the boys from the bus stop, when the phone rang. I looked at the number on the handset and recognized it right away as the phone number for the boys school. My stomach clenched a little like it always does when the school makes an unexpected call and I answered with some trepidation. The teacher reassured me immediately that the boys were fine, but I could tell from the tone of her voice, that this wasn’t an easy phone call to make and something was wrong.

What she told me next sent chills down my spine and left me speechless, never could I have ever imagined a phone call like this. Not from the Kindergarten teacher, not in our small town, not to one of my boys. I was not prepared for this.

A boy in the kindergarten class with my sons (the younger two share a JK/SK split) told my middle child that he had a gun at home, and that he was going to bring it to school and shoot him and his little brother.

WOW! just WOW!

I think my heart stopped for a moment or two, I sat frozen in my seat unable to form a sentence. I was shocked to the core. I listened as she told me that the school was dealing with it, that they tried to make him feel as guilty as possible without over doing it, and that she was going to call his parents too. When I still had little to say, she warned me “Jennifer, just remember these are little boys”. ‘Yes, of course, I told her. I understand’. I have three boys, I know how boys can be silly with their talk, but this seemed a little over the top for any child. The teacher sounded as horrified as I felt though and I was honestly too shocked to carry on the conversation. I thanked her for her call and told her I thought she was handling the situation fine. I called my husband immediately who did not share the same sentiment, but was at work and didn’t have long to chat.

So sitting in front of the computer screen, I started to type. I wanted to reach out to just about anyone in that moment for some solace, but it didn’t seem like an appropriate thing to share on my Mom vs the Boys page at the time. In that moment it was just too personal and I still wasn’t sure how I was feeling. I turned to my personal page that I rarely use but would be met by people who have all known me from one stage of my life or another, and still hesitated to write those words. I started with “it is not very often that I am speechless, but after that phone call from the school, I am rendered this.” But in the end, I shared my phone call on my wall.

My facebook wall is normally a pretty quiet place, where the only thing that chirps back to me are crickets, but on this day, something else happened. Moms from all across Canada, from all across the timeline of my life stepped in to leave a word of shock and comfort. One after the other they sent me virtual hugs and notes of validation that I wasn’t crazy for this fearfulness inside me. Old school pals, friends who have moved across the country, friends of my moms, close blogging buddies, they all stood out of the shadows for me.

It was like a virtual map was lighting up before me, Nova Scotia, all across Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, BC, those tiny dots lit up from coast to coast. I realized in that moment, that while most days I feel alone, that I forget that I have a whole community that I can lean on. That I don’t walk this Motherhood road alone, that mamas across the country walk hand in hand with me.

Catching my breath and feeling a tad more brave I sent out one small tweet. It wouldn’t be until the  next morning that I returned to Twitter to see that so many of you responded with love and support for my family. You swore when I couldn’t, and even made me laugh in spite of everything. The support was overwhelming.

My husband and I  are upset and saddened that this happened. We have run the gamut of emotions from ‘boys will be boys’ to ‘should we be calling the police?’ and your comments back to me reflect the same range of feelings. We wonder about this boy and why he would say such a thing, we wonder who is parents are and how they reacted when they got that same call and of course we wonder if there are indeed weapons in that house or if it was a little boy with a wild imagination.

We feel for my son, who is sweet and sensitive and has been plagued with anxiety in the past. Speaking with him at home it seemed like the school had done a pretty good job of convincing him the boy was telling a bad joke and trying to trick him. Tonight as I write this we are on round three of night terrors, a horrible thing we haven’t had to deal with for months. We’ve told him he did the right thing and that we are so very proud of him and we’ve taken the opportunity to talk to our oldest son about what happened.

This is an eye opener for us and probably the school too. Saying gun in a school is like saying bomb on an airplane, people go crazy. We walk the fine line between taking this seriously and not overreacting, but I was wisely reminded today that when it comes to our kids, it’s better to be accused of over reacting than under reacting. We look forward to continuing the conversation when the school reopens after the holidays.

For now, we give thanks.

Comments

  1. I love your boys as if they are my own. When I read your FB post all I wanted to do was get in my car and get to you. The biggest of hugs always!

  2. I read this post and it makes me feel very very sad. Yes, it’s a scary thing to be getting that phone call as a parent and I don’t minimize the feelings you have. But what I hear is a a child that maybe is dealing with some developmental issues or is unsure of how to deal with his anger or has a vivid imagination. You live in a small town. Many people read your blog. Now this family is not only having to deal with what their son said, which likely was meant with no malice, not only on a personal level but on a very public level and fear that you might call the police on a 4 or 5 year old. You know me and my family and my son and how hard we work with him. It would not surprise me one bit that my son would say something similar. He has delays in receptive and expressive language. He doesn’t know how to deal with his anger yet. Many boys that age do not. We have worked with professionals on this. And the funny thing is, he is actually known as the “defender” of his friends at school. But he may very well say something like this in anger or frustration because it gets a reaction or because he’s playing. If I was this child’s parent, I would already feel humiliated that he would say this and I would be getting a phone call from the school about it but then to read about it on someone’s blog, and I’m quite sure they will it being a small town and all…I would want to pull my child out of school and go hide under a rock. Yes, it makes me sad for myself and all the other parents working so hard every day with their children who have extra issues and don’t live up to the high expectations of many of the parents today.

    • I wondered why your town didn’t pop up on my virtual map! lol Thanks for the insight Joanna, I’m glad we had a chat today. I don’t have a ‘local’ blog and my traffic does not come from my area in particular, the focus of my post is my family and our thoughts and feelings on the incident. I don’t feel like I’ve pointed fingers at anyone here, though I appreciate your concern.

  3. Mom to a kindergartner says

    I feel sorry for your little boys, they shouldn’t have to hear such horrible words at this age.I can relate to you as something similar happened in my son’s class – Kindergarten. A boy in his class in very disruptive and told my son that he will kill everyone in his class. This child has several issues and has never been socialized, cannot follow simple rules in class and always playing hitting, punching games. I spoke to my son and told him to stay away from that boy and his games. I spoke to his teacher as well. This boy comes from a country with a lot of violence and I can only imagine how high risk these kids can be. Some parents do not understand the implications of violent video games and toy guns. Unfortunately the world today is not like how it was when we adults were kids. Violence in any form seems to sell in today’s market, in many forms and the sad thing is that parents have come to agree with what is being promoted by media. Lego is a wonderful toy and it saddens me to see lego people with all angry faces! Can any toy be without a gun or shooting, especially for boys 5+ yrs ? When did it happen that as boys mature they need violence to fuel their imagination and creativity? I talk to my son a lot about staying away from kids who exhibit violent behavior and how to face them if need be. Another boy in his class became friends with the disruptive child and now apparently is always getting into trouble and in time-outs. Just keep talking to your boys and emphasize the importance of using “good words” and the impact it can have on people. Make them focus on the right and they will slowly understand why the wrong is not acceptable.

    • yes, OMG why do all the lego men have angry faces? great question and something we’ve noticed as well lol we were looking for someone to be the grandpa the other day and my son kept throwing lego heads back saying ‘too angry’.

  4. This is a scary situation whether the children in question are in their teens or at the age of 4 or 5 – and this is what blogs are FOR – to bring awareness of issues so that it could be discussed in a public forum – who knows, it may prevent that one disaster from happening. How old does a child/person have to be before their threats are taken seriously? As far as I know for each psyche it would be different – some 5 year olds could be more dangerous than some ten year olds and so on.

    Thank you for sharing this with us – you may live in a small town, but I feel as if you have related this situation in a good anonymous manner. Also, IF the mother of the child in question DOES read this, maybe it would help her to realize exactly how serious this type of situation this is and would prompt her to make sure that none of her children ever even think of threatening someone again.

    Again, excellent job on relaying and discussing this matter and I hope that this gets resolved.

    • Thank you, I really do believe this is a good topic to discuss as well, no matter what side of the fence you are on.

  5. I feel like there are no words – I just wish it would not have happened. It makes me sad that you had to go through this…I feel for your anxious son – I too have an anxious child and I know how the littlest things can set her and her whole routine off.
    I hope your son will be able to go to sleep without night terrors soon.
    I’m so sorry Jen 🙁

    • Thanks Jody, sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with emotional stuff like this don’t they? lots of hugs and cuddles for him this weekend.

  6. My heart absolutely breaks for your little guys having to deal with all of this! There are no words I can offer to comfort you as they are simply words at this point. I am truly, truly sorry that any child has to ever deal with this type of assault, especially at their “home away from home” as I consider school. School should be a safe haven for our children to go to, not to be assaulted.

    Granted, I am a retired elementary school teacher, and know that some children do have issues. Some children are raised in the best of homes either. I feel for the child who makes statements like these. He or she is unknowingly begging for help. While I don’t feel that the behavior should be excused, I do believe that there are many services that are needing to be involved with this case. Here in the states, at least my school district, the child would be expelled for the a full calendar year of school days, so basically two school years, from attending any public school. He would not be allowed to return to the school district ever.

    These behaviors aren’t just frightening to little kids either. One of my best-friends quit driving a school bus within the last year because of an eerily similar episode. Very little was done to the student and basically it seemed to be handled as “boys will be boys.” My friend’s two young sons rode her bus daily and she no longer felt that her bus was a safe place for her boys or her. She left her two jobs in the school district and even moved her boys to another school district as she feared for their safety.

    • oh that is frightening Dolores! I was surprised to hear today that the boys parents were okay with the statement their son made. I think there is a huge problem with the parenting happening in that house, I do feel bad for that child as well.

  7. Laresa Staggs says

    I know exactly how you feel. I am the friend that Dolores Brister mentioned above. The truly sad thing is that the person making the threat is more protected than the victims. No one wants to take the threat seriously…..It is the whole ” THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE” mentality!! If schools would handle these kinds of threats very quickly, and harshly the first time a student makes a threat, then maybe, just maybe “IT NEVER WOULD HAPPEN IN THEIR SCHOOL”. I did quit my job after asking for help a number of times and never received it. I was told, it is just a boy being a boy after the first threat. The second threat was when the kid came to school with a toy gun in his backpack and told the other kids on the bus “don’t tell anyone!” They did a search, found the gun and suspended him for a week….BUT DID NOT KICK HIM OFF MY BUS!!!! My oldest son began to have violent nightmares and would come to our room every night (HE IS 10!!!!). Then it happened, I was on the computer at school when I learned what was happening at SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY, I went straight to the office and of course they had it on the TV…..I told them I would not be driving the bus anymore after we returned from Christmas break. My oldest son did pretty good till it was almost time to return to school after the Holiday break, the nightmares returned again with his growing anxiety at returning. So, my Husband and I made a very quick, drastic decision and WE NEVER WENT BACK!! We transferred our boys to a new school on the very day that they should have returned to their old school. In a way, I believe that God had a hand in all of it. My boys love their new school, no stress, no watching over their shoulders. They have intruder drills and practice lock downs on a regular basis…we know they are as safe as they can be. I pray for and with my boys every morning as I drive them to school. We will now be praying for your boys every morning as well as for you and your husband. I know how you feel, and no parent or child should ever have to feel what we feel on a daily basis. God Bless you and your family and Thank You for sharing your story.

    • I am so sorry that your boys went through that, and that your school wouldn’t listen. Sometimes parents have to make hard decisions on their children’s behalf and it sounds like you made the right one. I am so glad to hear that your kids are thriving in their new school!

  8. Diane Dunbrack says

    My first reaction was shock. Utter and silent shock. I have 3 boys, and I know they can be rough, and say crazy things sometimes… but there is a line, and they know when/if they’ve crossed it. We NEVER wish harm on others, and we NEVER threaten somebody else – with anything. I make no exceptions. Not even for my oldest son who’s food “sensitivity” gave him severe behavioural issues.

    I then thought of the child making the threat, and wondered about his situation… what would make him threaten someone else like that? How is his home situation? I wondered how his parents would handle the situation… I’m kind of shocked to see that they didn’t think anything was wrong with what he said… but I guess that says a lot about the boy and his home life. I think it’s very sad, and I think that more should be done.

    I would be very nervous to send my kids back to school after something like that happening. I’m so sorry that you and your boys are having to deal with this… no 4-5 year old (no child at all) should ever have to deal with or worry about something like this.

    I hope that the school plans on keeping a VERY close eye on this boy – checking his bag daily ect.

  9. Shreela Sen says

    Hi Jennifer! Just came across this post – led to your blog through pinterest. I’ll introduce myself a bit – I am from India, I live in a (peaceful) small town, & I have a 2.5 year old daughter. I am intrigued by your experience.
    I am still discovering my child, but I was personally a very sensitive child. Schools (& society) in India are not as conscious, or as righteous as in US or Canada, less when I was a kid. We can be very permissive with our own children & quick to find fault with others’ kids.
    I remember when I was in UKG, there was an empty room in the house which was the school. & there was a big durrie in it. Somehow, one day, it occured to me to play “tent” & I & some other kids got under it. & that very moment, some other kids, who thought it was husge fun, jumped on top of us over the durrie. It became a nightmare experience. For many many years, i had not forgiven those who jumped on me & suffocated me, I was 25, in fact, when somebody pointed out to me that those kids were also 4 yrs old, & they did not have “perspective”(that I was suffocating in dark), & that actually, the absent-from-scene teacher was to blame.
    My point here is (of course the fact that a kid got the idea of killing with a gun, & of killing in retaliation to something, & his parents are responsible) what if the child who said this horrible threat to your kids does not really understand killing, or even death? I am not saying “boys will be boys”, but “he’s a 4 yr old”? According to him killing means “a character leaves the polt”, he does not know it is painful for the character, & he does not understand mortality?
    Is that possible?
    I am not arguing here, I am really asking your opinion, as my child is younger than your kids.
    Thanks!

    • momvstheboys says

      Thanks for the comment and you are perfectly right, a 4 yr old has very little understanding of death. I’m sure however that he still has a good understanding that guns hurt people. I think I would have even felt better if the comment was made during play or even anger as you can cast those emotions aside as being silly or upset. In this case it was whispered at my son during a quiet story time which seems a little disturbing. Nevertheless, the incident never happened again and after a having a few restless nights my son recovered well. I am sorry to hear that the pain of that memory stuck with you all those years.

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